As you might noticed, all the old posts are gone cause I've been having this thought of deleting all my past depressive thoughts and rant away. I was actually planning to delete this blog and just end it but then again, thinking on how long I've been on this blog kinda makes me feel bad for removing something that has been in my life for so long. Hence, the clearing up and re-vamping (a lil changes here and there) of this blog.
So here I am, in my room sipping a glass of wine and deleting all my depressed memories and rants away. And writing up a new post. I just came back from hanging out with my group of friends or basically my family in KL (a bunch of close friends I've met in KL when I was in foundation). Despite all of us scattered around in different courses, we still try to make time and meet up together and just laugh away our stress. I miss them a lot, I miss foundation time. Although we were constantly being stressed up with class tests but we still manage to pull through all of those stuff together. Damn, this cheap merlot I got at Aeon is good. Hah.
Not sure whether is it due to the numbness of pain or the heartbreaks and tears. I've actually felt more happier these days. I'm happy by buying two or three bottles of wine and drink a glass or two while I'm watching my TV series or reading a book. I used to hate eating alone, thus I will often skip dinner or lunch if there's nobody to eat with me, but nowadays I cook and eat by myself and maybe have YouTube videos to accompany me. But then again, I'm fine with eating alone. I'm actually fine with being alone. Although I can't deny, it feels good to have someone to flirt with, to have someone to text you while they're on a lunch break (even if it means I've never actually met the guy before), all these, I can't deny them, they feel good. But I'm also fine when they don't reply, or send me a goodnight text like usual. Like I generally feels fine and feel okay about it. All I was trying to say was, I really feel fine, I feel okay.
I used to be this girl who cannot stand the idea of being alone and I would constantly get into relationships. Because I want to feel belong to, I want to experience the constant love and being overwhelmed by the whole situation that sometimes at some point, I don't even know what I want, or what's the point of it all. And now? I don't know. I feel .. free. Free of heartbreaks, free of fear of abandonment, free of fear of being cheated on. I feel free. I will still do things like if I have good feelings towards someone, I will tell them, like I will tell them how I felt about them and wouldn't expect an answer because I just wanna tell you how I feel about you. And I honestly think that there's nothing wrong about telling someone how you feel about them. These are actually things that I find myself being brave and courageous about, maybe to other its dumb but meh. I like telling people how I felt about them, about things and I honestly don't mind being rejected. Its not a big deal.
I'm just really thankful for everything, the pain that I have endured through, my bunch of degree and foundation friends, Tinder guy who still texts me, life currently being bearable, and I'm happy. If last year you were to ask me if I was feeling happy, I wouldn't know how to answer you. But now, this year after going through another heartbreak and life changes here and there, I can still proudly tell you that I am happy. And I am thankful, for life, for friends, for everything.
Not that anyone will read my blog or come across my blog, but still if you happen to read this blog, thank you for spending some time here and reading my rants (?). Hope you have a good day ahead, reader.
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