There's a fine line between giving a shot for things that you think worth a shot vs constantly trying your luck like a dumbass or even just tries too hard. Man, I don't think I've figure that shit out yet but I've definitely done my fair share of being embarrassingly trying too hard. Lols.
Anyways, I've been on dating sites for some time now and really think that it's getting boring. Despite I had the intention of solely meeting new people and making new friends, but it didn't really seem to work towards that way. Like I've went out with a few guys, they're nice (at least most of them are) and it was nice talking to them, knowing them and tries to find common topic to talk about. But the thing is, when things just suddenly get all awkward and weird, and I have no fucking idea why and what happened (or maybe I did but I was oblivious about it), things just get...awkward. Yeah. And it sucks, cause it's like you're talking to a real cool friend who has similar interest with you and suddenly the entire conversation was hard to continue on, or like it felt like they were forcing themselves to talk to you. Which sucks. Like, dude just tell me what's up. Not that I wanna fix things and make it a happily ever after, hell no. But I would like to know er why? So at least if it's regarding my communication skills, then I could improve and talk 'properly' to the next guy that I meet (?). Something like that. But yeah, it sucks. And I can be very upfront with you, I'm actually sick of this shit. It was fun at first, yknow like meeting new friends, trying to see how different people talk or react to certain things. But now, nah. It's getting boring and exhausting. I mean like, I would like to have a proper friendship with these people. Like maybe, once in a while we'll text each other and go out for a movie or coffee just to talk. I don't understand how that couldn't be done, or how that seems to be something that's not do-able. Couldn't seem to build my mind around that idea or so.
But yeah, if you wanna be friends with me. Hit me up please. But if the intention of making friends is to meet up for a few dates, some awkward physical touches here and there and had the intention of one night stand, sorry to say, I'm not your girl. Please find others.
In the mean time, I'm gonna just dive into the Marvel universe and get back in shape (been slacking on my runs) and build myself up. I want to be someone better than who I was yesterday. Someone that I could be proud of, someone that would do anything to not feel lonely. Maybe I should learn to embrace loneliness and I'll feel and act like someone slightly different.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Monday, April 1, 2019
Social Media Detox
This is not an announcement; even if it is, nobody will care that I disappear from social media lol.
I actually adapted this idea from Kalyn Nicholson (my favourite youtuber), not sure if I've heard it from her podcasts or was it from one of her videos. But anyway, I intend to do this for at least a week, starting tomorrow probably till Sunday. Reason being that I've realised that every time I've updated an Instagram story or updated a new post, I'll constantly have the tendency to check through every view and every likes I have. And I wasn't kidding about it, like almost every 10 or 20 mins I'll check my Instagram and see how many views I have, who viewed my story or who liked my post, how many likes do I have right now, is it at least 100 yet. It's like all these views and likes indirectly validate me as a person, or that the more views I have or the more likes I have made me more likeable (pun intended) /presentable/liked by guys. No, it does not work that way and although I know it but it still doesn't stop me from constantly checking it. Not only it doesn't stop me from constantly checking it, but it also indirectly encourages me to post more stories. It's like I've been compelled to post Instagram stories almost everyday, reporting every single shit that I've done on my social media as if like people actually gives a fuck about it. For instance, drinking alone at home - take a sexy boomerang and post it, reading a new book - take a (hopefully aesthetic) picture and post it, read a quote/post that I thought was meaningful/deep af - screenshot and post it, receive tiny shit from people - take a picture and post it, chilling at a cafe alone - take a picture and post it. I honestly have no idea why the hell do I felt so compelled to do all these that recently when I finally realised it, I really want to put a stop and make myself feel less shitty and stop being dumb to share every single thing on my social media.
Now that I realised it's actually getting more toxic than I intend for a harmless social media account to be, I should really conduct a detox from it. Just stop for a few days or a week, it's no big deal. Not like I make a living out of my social media or whatsoever, so it really isn't an issue and shouldn't be an issue to not use social media for a week. Just take it as a break and read more, shift all those time spend on social media scrolling through likes and views and watching other people's stories and develop this unhealthy feeling of envy that you were like them or have a partner like them -- shift all those attention to read more, and hopefully by the end of this weekend I'll feel less shitty trying to validate myself through my social media presences. Isn't the main purpose of social media is to share stuff online with others minus the feeling shitty and trying to validate your entire existence by likes and views?
This is getting bad, and I don't want to continue to feel like this. It definitely isn't a pretty picture. Thus, I'm really hoping that I'll feel much better after this detox. And I have two new books (hopefully) arriving this week!
So, I'm gonna be a geek and read away during my free time after work.
I actually adapted this idea from Kalyn Nicholson (my favourite youtuber), not sure if I've heard it from her podcasts or was it from one of her videos. But anyway, I intend to do this for at least a week, starting tomorrow probably till Sunday. Reason being that I've realised that every time I've updated an Instagram story or updated a new post, I'll constantly have the tendency to check through every view and every likes I have. And I wasn't kidding about it, like almost every 10 or 20 mins I'll check my Instagram and see how many views I have, who viewed my story or who liked my post, how many likes do I have right now, is it at least 100 yet. It's like all these views and likes indirectly validate me as a person, or that the more views I have or the more likes I have made me more likeable (pun intended) /presentable/liked by guys. No, it does not work that way and although I know it but it still doesn't stop me from constantly checking it. Not only it doesn't stop me from constantly checking it, but it also indirectly encourages me to post more stories. It's like I've been compelled to post Instagram stories almost everyday, reporting every single shit that I've done on my social media as if like people actually gives a fuck about it. For instance, drinking alone at home - take a sexy boomerang and post it, reading a new book - take a (hopefully aesthetic) picture and post it, read a quote/post that I thought was meaningful/deep af - screenshot and post it, receive tiny shit from people - take a picture and post it, chilling at a cafe alone - take a picture and post it. I honestly have no idea why the hell do I felt so compelled to do all these that recently when I finally realised it, I really want to put a stop and make myself feel less shitty and stop being dumb to share every single thing on my social media.
Now that I realised it's actually getting more toxic than I intend for a harmless social media account to be, I should really conduct a detox from it. Just stop for a few days or a week, it's no big deal. Not like I make a living out of my social media or whatsoever, so it really isn't an issue and shouldn't be an issue to not use social media for a week. Just take it as a break and read more, shift all those time spend on social media scrolling through likes and views and watching other people's stories and develop this unhealthy feeling of envy that you were like them or have a partner like them -- shift all those attention to read more, and hopefully by the end of this weekend I'll feel less shitty trying to validate myself through my social media presences. Isn't the main purpose of social media is to share stuff online with others minus the feeling shitty and trying to validate your entire existence by likes and views?
This is getting bad, and I don't want to continue to feel like this. It definitely isn't a pretty picture. Thus, I'm really hoping that I'll feel much better after this detox. And I have two new books (hopefully) arriving this week!
So, I'm gonna be a geek and read away during my free time after work.
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