To write or not to write

I've been feeling real crappy these days, much better now as I've penned down my thoughts and feelings. And my girlfriends actually mentioned that I should write more or blog often, to write about feelings and how to really deal with them so that others who come upon my blog can resonate and feel that they are not alone. To which I replied, "I do write often (in my diary) where I vomit all my thoughts and feelings that has occupied my mind a bit too much. And I do blog too, but not much people know about the existence of my blog as I often changed the url so when people google my name and my blog wouldn't appear on the search result". The reason why I write more on my diary rather than blog often as I used to was because I felt exposed. Every time I write an entry, I feel like I'm exposing a private side of myself that people could use it against me someday or know about my weakness that I've tried so hard to mask and hide it.

Also, my English isn't that good. Yes, I might not have much spelling error but I admit that my grammar isn't all that good enough to write a good or even mind-blowing entry. However, if I do have a constant reader who wish to understand or read more of whatever I write, do let me know. I might continue and write more, if not I'll probably just stick to what I'm doing right now hahah.

Till then, take care and stay safe! <3 

Heat of the moment

Generally, I felt my love life this year has been skewing towards insane. What happened to normality?

Guy A - knew him 5 years ago, but were never close cause he was just one of my RYLA participants back then. Obviously, he's younger than me and that arrogance, I just can't. He's a good friend, but definitely not the kind of guy I would date or even be in relationship with. 

Guy B - one of my closest friend since 8 years ago. I basically had a huge crush on this guy back then and not sure if I still feel the same (as in is it crush or it has evolved to love, or was it pure lust? I don't know). I felt like those who know me back then could have easily guessed who this guy is. Everyone knows I crush hard on this guy lols. 

Guy C - met 2 years ago while I was interning and he was one of the students in the academy. Gotten close early April as he said he needed a friend to talk and wanted to drink, to which I felt both is my forte hahah. So, we had dinner and drank and talked. He felt that we vibe and confessed a week later. I...am speechless. 

Like why? Why couldn't it be the guy I crushed so hard on finally is moving to Singapore and we could finally try to make things work after so many years? Or why couldn't the guy we vibe well is same age or slightly older than me? Lols. Joking, these weren't the point. 

The point of me ranting (yes, again) is that as much that I appreciate their feelings towards me but sorry loves, I gotta ask, are you sure it wasn't just another heat of the moment? Are you sure you didn't feel that way with every other girl that you find pretty in other moments? Cause if what you felt towards me was the same as what you felt towards others, then love, take a cold bath and calm yourself down. You're not in love, you were just experiencing another heat of the moment. So don't come and say you have feelings towards me cause that's just wrong and very misleading. 

Grown up.

Remember how when we were young and foolish, doing everything out of pure rash decisions. Yeah, I kinda missed that. Kinda hate how I'll actually be logical and sit down, analyzing pros and cons, yes and no of everything. Well, except when it comes to shopping other than that yeah.

I missed being young and foolish, wild and rash. But at the same time, I also appreciate that I've grown up to become who I am today. Maybe I have not grown up much in others eyes, but to me, I felt like I've aged well. Perhaps like a fine wine? HAHAHAHA okay, that was too much.

I like how these few years whenever I met up with long lost friends, or just friends that I've reconciled recently and they told me that I'm different then who I used to be. And I actually liked that. Although I do miss being young and wild, but I also appreciate being wiser and logical. I like how whenever we talked, my friends used references like 'the old you' and 'the you now'. Like, hey thanks for noticing that I've grown up and am someone different than I used to be. Well, even at one point when I was so used to living alone and enjoyed my solidarity, mom said that she felt I wasn't her daughter anymore. Reason being that I've develop a different preferences to my lifestyle, food choice. A whole ass different vibe and person, if I may put it bluntly that way. She literally bawled and said, I'm not who I used to me. And all I can say is, I've grown up. I've learnt to clean up my own shit, learnt to plan ahead, learnt to know what I want at the moment. My solidarity experiences changed me as a person. I might still be naive at times, but I'm not longer dumb and naive. Or maybe I should say, I choose to be oblivious to things around me that I no longer give a shit about as rather than being naive and thinking that everything will work out just fine.

I guess, I could say that, I'm no longer the little girl I used to be.

Shit happened, shit will continue to happen. Grow the f*ck up.

It's just another rant.

There's a fine line between giving a shot for things that you think worth a shot vs constantly trying your luck like a dumbass or even just tries too hard. Man, I don't think I've figure that shit out yet but I've definitely done my fair share of being embarrassingly trying too hard. Lols.

Anyways, I've been on dating sites for some time now and really think that it's getting boring. Despite I had the intention of solely meeting new people and making new friends, but it didn't really seem to work towards that way. Like I've went out with a few guys, they're nice (at least most of them are) and it was nice talking to them, knowing them and tries to find common topic to talk about. But the thing is, when things just suddenly get all awkward and weird, and I have no fucking idea why and what happened (or maybe I did but I was oblivious about it), things just get...awkward. Yeah. And it sucks, cause it's like you're talking to a real cool friend who has similar interest with you and suddenly the entire conversation was hard to continue on, or like it felt like they were forcing themselves to talk to you. Which sucks. Like, dude just tell me what's up. Not that I wanna fix things and make it a happily ever after, hell no. But I would like to know er why? So at least if it's regarding my communication skills, then I could improve and talk 'properly' to the next guy that I meet (?). Something like that. But yeah, it sucks. And I can be very upfront with you, I'm actually sick of this shit. It was fun at first, yknow like meeting new friends, trying to see how different people talk or react to certain things. But now, nah. It's getting boring and exhausting. I mean like, I would like to have a proper friendship with these people. Like maybe, once in a while we'll text each other and go out for a movie or coffee just to talk. I don't understand how that couldn't be done, or how that seems to be something that's not do-able. Couldn't seem to build my mind around that idea or so.

But yeah, if you wanna be friends with me. Hit me up please. But if the intention of making friends is to meet up for a few dates, some awkward physical touches here and there and had the intention of one night stand, sorry to say, I'm not your girl. Please find others.

In the mean time, I'm gonna just dive into the Marvel universe and get back in shape (been slacking on my runs) and build myself up. I want to be someone better than who I was yesterday. Someone that I could be proud of, someone that would do anything to not feel lonely. Maybe I should learn to embrace loneliness and I'll feel and act like someone slightly different.

Social Media Detox

This is not an announcement; even if it is, nobody will care that I disappear from social media lol.

I actually adapted this idea from Kalyn Nicholson (my favourite youtuber), not sure if I've heard it from her podcasts or was it from one of her videos. But anyway, I intend to do this for at least a week, starting tomorrow probably till Sunday. Reason being that I've realised that every time I've updated an Instagram story or updated a new post, I'll constantly have the tendency to check through every view and every likes I have. And I wasn't kidding about it, like almost every 10 or 20 mins I'll check my Instagram and see how many views I have, who viewed my story or who liked my post, how many likes do I have right now, is it at least 100 yet. It's like all these views and likes indirectly validate me as a person, or that the more views I have or the more likes I have made me more likeable (pun intended) /presentable/liked by guys. No, it does not work that way and although I know it but it still doesn't stop me from constantly checking it. Not only it doesn't stop me from constantly checking it, but it also indirectly encourages me to post more stories. It's like I've been compelled to post Instagram stories almost everyday, reporting every single shit that I've done on my social media as if like people actually gives a fuck about it. For instance, drinking alone at home - take a sexy boomerang and post it, reading a new book - take a (hopefully aesthetic) picture and post it, read a quote/post that I thought was meaningful/deep af - screenshot and post it, receive tiny shit from people - take a picture and post it, chilling at a cafe alone - take a picture and post it. I honestly have no idea why the hell do I felt so compelled to do all these that recently when I finally realised it, I really want to put a stop and make myself feel less shitty and stop being dumb to share every single thing on my social media.

Now that I realised it's actually getting more toxic than I intend for a harmless social media account to be, I should really conduct a detox from it. Just stop for a few days or a week, it's no big deal. Not like I make a living out of my social media or whatsoever, so it really isn't an issue and shouldn't be an issue to not use social media for a week. Just take it as a break and read more, shift all those time spend on social media scrolling through likes and views and watching other people's stories and develop this unhealthy feeling of envy that you were like them or have a partner like them -- shift all those attention to read more, and hopefully by the end of this weekend I'll feel less shitty trying to validate myself through my social media presences. Isn't the main purpose of social media is to share stuff online with others minus the feeling shitty and trying to validate your entire existence by likes and views?

This is getting bad, and I don't want to continue to feel like this. It definitely isn't a pretty picture. Thus, I'm really hoping that I'll feel much better after this detox. And I have two new books (hopefully) arriving this week!

So, I'm gonna be a geek and read away during my free time after work.

Some people...

Some people only talk to you when they needed you to either fill up their the empty spaces or time they have, or probably they're just bored and needed someone else's attention. And it just so happens that you're that person. Heh. Guess this shouldn't be something new that you just found out today.

Stop Being Dumb, Love

I wish we could all have a list of reviews to read about someone before we date them/develop further interest, like before we make a purchase.

X rated 3 star - "Dated this guy. Definitely a cutie but was an ass the whole time. Will not get back together even if I could."

Y rated 5 star - "Best bf ever. I suck :("

Z rated 1.5 star - "Son of a bitch"

Isn't it easier like this?

Sometimes, I just wish that I can stop being a dumb-ass. As many times as I've looked myself in the mirror, cursed and scolded the shit out of myself but still can't stop making dumb decisions.

Here's to myself, maybe it's to you too if you need it,

Just because he holds your hand in public doesn't mean his heart is yours. Just because he hugs and gives you cute forehead kisses means that you're the love his life. Just because he surprise texts or calls you to say that he misses you or to tell you that he loves you means that he won't cheat on you.

Stop justifying shit to make yourself miserable. It's not worth it, he's not worth it.

"Girl you're solid gold, but he prefers stone." - Anonymous 

“Choose people who chooses you”

I think we’ve all heard of this phrase quite often, but do you just like and agree on those picture quotes on Instagram or do you really mean it?

I’m definitely guilty of constantly agreeing with those posts, liking them and sharing them on my insta stories but never really mean it. Reason is that I’ll always think that maybe it’s just this season that they’re really busy, have a lot of things to do, other commitments to fulfil, and many more other reasons that I constantly give myself to justify it. People who chooses you, will never give up on you. No matter how hard it gets. People who chooses you, will want to make things work and losing you is never a choice that they’re willing to make. People who chooses you, will never let you go.

Choose people who chooses you. Stop justifying their behaviour to make yourself feel better for that short period of time.

Want or Need?

Many told me that they need me in their life (mostly exes) but eventually when the relationship ended they live like usual. So nah, it's obvious they don't need me cause if they do, they wouldn't discard me like how they did right? Human need their basic needs according to Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, which are food, water, air, warmth, love. But love can be from family, friends and your significant other. But to me, I don't think you really need anybody in your life. Cause personally, when you say you need someone, it's like you can't live without them and when this person cease to exist you'll die too. But, I don't think that's the case. 

To me, saying that you need someone is almost the same as pickup lines and mundane sweet talks. However, saying that you want someone in your life, that is different. Cause you made the choice to want this particular human to be in your life, to include this person in your every day routine and choices that you're gonna make. That is romantic, or at least to me. You can tell a million others that you need them in your life or probably can make it more cheesier than this, but honest to heart, would you really want them in your every day life for the rest of your life? 

So my point is, you don't really need a particular person in your life. But you can make the choice of who do you want in your life. And if I say I want you in my life, I am nowhere near kidding about it. Because I made that choice to want you, and I will do all I can to make you feel wanted and loved. At least, I think that's the best that I could do :) 

Everything is temporary.

"Everything in our life is so temporary that when you think about it it’s kinda insane."
- Kalyn Nicholson

Well, when you really sit and let it sink it in, it's true isn't it? Everything is temporary; emotions, feelings, our lives, people, relationships, shitty days and the list goes on. The fact that everything is temporary is the reason why we shouldn't dwell into things or our spiral of negative thoughts which will lead us into shitty mood, then having a shitty day. 

So why let yourself be sucked into your spiral of negative thoughts as it's not gonna bring you anything good or make you feel any better, matter of fact it's gonna worsen how you feel. So, why? Why care so much on everything? Why think about it so much, so constant it's like your whole brain and thoughts are revolving around these mundane issues that someday, it's not gonna matter at all, cause it's all temporary.